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Ask the Urban Dater: Is the Grass Really Greener?

Ask the Urban Dater: Is the Grass Really Greener?

This belief is false. Maybe the person on your pedestal is more physically attractive than you. Maybe they make more money, or have more friends. Regardless, they are not better than you. The Pedestal Problem does not lie in our comparison to our lover, but rather in our intrinsic values that are enforced by our inner critic. The inner critic that tells us we need to buy gifts we can’t afford, or to make sacrifices we don’t want to make. This internal critic is also the root of social anxiety, approach anxiety and so many other issues that create anti-fun self-fulfilling prophecies. 3 Steps to Removing the Pedestal Problem from Your Life I. Self-Care – If you struggle with the Pedestal Problem, chances are you are neglecting your needs in favor of others. We can only care for others to the extent that we care for ourselves. The foundation of this care includes eating well (no sugar), getting sleep (7-9 hours) and taking care of your hygiene. The levels above include fitness, making time for friends and living your lifetime according to your values and ideals. Exercise – Pick three things you’ve always wanted to do or haven’t make time for and go do them. Take a salsa class, go on a meditation retreat, go fishing. Do things for you.stripchat recordings

You come first. II. Self-Compassion – We can only love others to the extent that we love ourselves. Often our internal critic is a byproduct of hatred towards ourselves. The belief that who we are is not good enough. Kristen Neff, the Self-Compassion expert, has some amazing exercises that have changed some of my clients’ lives, as well as mine. They are silly, but over time they make a big difference in how you feel about yourself. The stories you say in your head profoundly affect the way you live your lifetime. Exercise: Complete Kristen Neff’s self-compassion journal for seven days here. III. Congruence – Building self-esteem and love for yourself also requires you to act in congruence with your heart’s deepest desires. For example: Maybe you choose to be a doctor because it would make your parents proud, when you actually wanted to be an actor or author. By acting congruent with what we truly want, we can build up our self-worth. Exercise: What is one of your deepest desires? Tweet it to me here. The Pedestal Problem only exists in your mind and was created by the values you hold about yourself.

Change your beliefs, determine your values, prioritize and invest in yourself. Then, like alchemy, witness the quality of your relationships completely transform. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook9Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Dating & Relationships, Featured Tagged in: love, pedestal, Relationships Like it or not, online dating is here to stay. Online dating is a great way to meet plenty of men or women in a very short period of time, but a lot of people get frustrated and give up. Today I’m going to go over the most common reasons people fail at online dating. 1. Patience Dating in general takes a lot of patience.

As one girl put it, “You have to kiss lot of frogs before you find the your prince”. I coached a client who complained that after only three days online he wasn’t having any luck meeting women. He had only one photo on his profile that wasn’t very flattering and his profile was poorly written. My brother was online for a year before he found the women he eventually married and started a family with. You need to hang in there! Dating is a numbers game. You only need to meet that certain special person, not ten. 2. You’re Choosing the Wrong Photos Too often people use pictures of them in sunglasses, partying, far away shots or artistic pictures that really don’t tell other people anything about them. Simple rule of thumb, 3-5 pictures including full body shots, you smiling, yourself in casual and formal wear.

Guys, don’t take include photos of you with other women, unless it’s your sister. You’ll come across as a player or a guy with a wandering eye. 3. You Can’t Write A good profile most profiles are extremely poorly written. Everything is facts, facts, facts. Remember folks, you want to write a good profile that is likely to make people want to contact you. Why should you do all the work, when you can write a great profile that will speak for itself and get people to contact you. Also, don’t be negative in your profile, it doesn’t help. 4. You Contact Women at the Wrong Time The worst times to contact women are on Friday or Saturday nights. People are out on those days having fun or even dating other people from the same site your on.

A Body in Motion is a Sexy Body Indeed

So what’s the best day to contact women? Sunday!

On a Sunday you’re usually relaxing and chances are if a girl had a bad date on friday or saturday she’s going to go back on that dating site again looking for someone else. 5. You Don’t Read People’s Profiles Many men are guilty of sending the same message to a hundred women saying “hey, how’s it going?”. Each message you send should be unique and its contents should be according to what you read in the women’s profile. You need to be noticeable from 95% of guys out there who have no clue how to date online. Follow me on twitter @edmontondating and if you need help with your online dating message me at [email protected] for a free consultation! Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook0Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Online Dating Valentine’s Day.  It’s not a day for the weak or the meek.

  Valentine’s day will swallow you whole, man!!! It will chew you up and spit you out if you let it!!! It’s a day that has caused blood letting, unhealed scarring and untold pain.  Yes, it’s Valentines Day!!!! AAAAAArgh!!!  Ahem.  Sorry, you should know I have a flare for the dramatic.  However, Valentine’s Day is deserving of your attention, kids.  It’s easier to begin your groundwork early and formulate a plan and take care of some logistics.“Utter nonsense,” you exclaim.  No, kids, you really should begin thinking and planning your night out. Why?  Well, that’s an easy one to answer.  There’s no exact science of course, however, I like to break make dinner the center piece of any special date.  You gotta eat, after all.  That said, you need to have some places in mind to take your special someone for V day. I break it down like so Tier 1 – These are restaurants that are hip, trendy and popular.

  Or they could be an ordinarily popular dining destination to begin with.  These places are high end restaurants, think 75 dollars a plate and up to start. For a dinner of two you could be eclipsing the 300 buck mark right quick. The food at these places is pretty insane as well and also the wine selections will  put a decent dent in your wallet.  These places are also restaurants that you’ll want to book more than a month in advance to assure yourself a table.  These places could be prestigious restaurants owned by prominent chefs or celebrities, or perhaps a place that has a particularly unique specialty not offered elsewhere. Tier 2 – These restaurants, like the Tier 1 places, are probably going to be one-off places, or if it’s a chain then probably one of limited size.  In my area Ruth’s Chris is a popular and highly regarded steak house, it’ s a chain, but small, Fleming’s also falls into this range. The quality of food at these places will be fantastic with a price per plate around 50 dollars and up.  Again, drinks will burn a hole in your wallet, but remember you’re out to have a good time, so splurge a little bit.  Your foodie friends will be good help here and probably know a number of these types of restaurants.  a reservation of three weeks to a month out is a good idea to get things situated and taken care of. Tier 3 – These places are unique interesting and take a two weeks plus to get a reservation set aside.  Often these places are only moderately expensive and for a dinner for two, with drinks/wine, you could be looking at $150 or less.  The variety of places, I would think, are much wider in range from what you would find in pricier fare, so it’s also a little more of an adventure.  Sometimes places in this tier could be ‘hole in the wall’ places which heightens the romantic mood of your special day.

  In other words, taking your special someone to a place like this will certainly get that vday card punched. Tier 4 – You pretty much dropped the ball and are resigned to taking your special someone to Olive Garden. There’s nothing wrong with Olive Garden… type of like there’s nothing wrong with kicking defenseless kitty cats or telling a child that their parents hate them.  That is only to say that you suck and should have thought of something better much sooner.  Perhaps there are other problems in the relationship that are lurking apart from an inability to plan.  Olive Garden, Red Lobster are two places that fit this mold.  You can pretty much walk in here and get your table the night of… Tier 2 places are the ones I like best, because they offer amazing view, unique atmospheres at prices you won’t be embarrsassed to tell your friends about.  Tier 1 places?  They are always on my radar as a rare treat, I figure i will drop nearly four hunrded on a single meal once  a year… Or so… Or maybe not at all. You know what, though, I get that times are tough and regardless of that people are on a budget, too. There are other methods to show your special someone a unique and classy night for cheaper than you might think.  However, planning, planning, planning; there is no replacement for planning. At this point you should begin listing out the places you want to take your Valentine’s date.  Whether it’s a home cooked affair or a night out at a restaurant that will eat your last pay check for a sensible midnight snack, figure out some places to go and CALL AHEAD making a reservation.

12 Dating Resolutions to Make for the brand new Year

I’ll be doing a follow up piece on this leading up to the special day. Until next time, don’t be a putz, make a reservation already. Signup for Our Newsletter Get Us in Your Inbox! Online Dating, Sex, and Relationship Advice Tips in Your Inbox… Follow @theurbandater Like this:Like Loading… Share This Article Facebook3Tweet0Pin0 Posted in: Date Ideas, Special, Uncategorized Tagged in: Date Ideas, dates, valentines day, vday Do you remember when you first met your significant other? The butterflies, the multiple text messages and the “No you hang up first, No you!” You were inseparable, passionate, intimate and interested in getting to know one another. Everything was roses… and happiness was spread all around… Now, let’s fast forward a year, 5 years, 10 years or longer. How does your relationship match up from before? If it’s still wonderful congratulations! I admire your dedication and understanding of one another! If you’re like the majority of us – things may have dwindled down a little bit from before…Or maybe a lot… FACT: About 17 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity! That’s an amazing number, considering there are so many other reasons behind divorce … About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives! Another study found that 2/3 of women are not aware of their husband’s affair – Curtesy of Fox News ( Read the full article here.) – Link: EXCUSES: Well, we have kids now… I am so busy with work, I’m so tired (I’m guilty of this one), and we can’t find the time to spend together… TRUTH: IF your relationship and connection are important to you and your spouse you will MAKE TIME. There will NEVER be a good time. REALITY: WOMEN – As we know from reading magazines and articles – Men and women are wired differently.

Put very simply some men (more than a few) are DRAWN to the physical aspects of a relationship. Straight up, “pillow talk.” Now, ladies, I get the fact that we’ve had kids, we have careers, we are BUSY BUT if we are not fulfilling our partners needs then we are on our way to becoming the next statistic listed above. MEN – Women are wired through emotion. If you are NOT emotionally connecting with your partner plus they feel that, do you really think they are going to want to get down and dirty? I wouldn’t. Not only emotionally, BUT if you are not helping your spouse, communicating or making her feel special that’s an automatic tap out in the ring of romance. By The Way: Women cheat too. Research tends to focus on men more HOWEVER studies are showing that women can be just as guilty. Why cheat? Sometimes it’s because we just aren’t getting our needs met in our current relationship.

I am NOT condoning cheating at all BUT I am just saying we all do things for a reason. I often hear well why do I have to do this? Why do *I* have to do EVERYTHING? Here’s the deal, unless one aspect of behavior changes nothing will change. If you would like things to change then WE have to change our behavior. It shouldn’t be tit for tat it should be “I love this person and I want to make things better.” So, Kassandra, you’ve laid this all out… Nothing that I haven’t heard before… So now what?? Below I am going to give you a list of 10 simple things you can implement to increase your intimacy and connection with your partner! If you can only do three then do three! Anything is better than nothing and you automatically get an A+ for effort! This list might be a little different then what you expected! Alright, here We GO!

10 THINGS TO REIGNITE MY SEX LIFE AND CONNECTION 1. REGULATION What the heck is regulation? It’s a psychological term that we use in the clinic I work at. Regulation depends on things that our bodies need to function mentally and physically well. So for instance, sleep and food. When we are not regulated – (not taking care of our basic needs), we do not have the ability to be compassionate, kind and loving. Example: if I’m tired all the time because I am not sleeping well, how pleasant and fun am I going to be too be around? You need to be regulated FIRST before you can look to connect with someone else. BOTTOM LINE: Take care of yourself.

Remember, you always put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you put it on anyone else. 2. TALK TIME What is talk time you ask? This is when you allocate 5-10 minutes of time within the day to be completely present with your partner. NO distractions, no kids, no TV and NO harsh topics that may cause a fight. This is an opportunity where both partners can feel really heard and regain that CONNECTION. Can’t find the time or don’t know how to do this? Try setting a timer on your phone or stove. Start with 5 minutes and continue to work your way up. BENEFITS: ladies, you will feel heard and your emotional cup will start to feel a bit fuller. Guys: if you take the time to fill your girl’s emotional cup, she will more receptive to getting more physically closer..(Pillow talk). 3. CHORES I hate chores… Especially doing the dishes and cleaning. Now, your home may be divided into assigned tasks for people, if so it’s time to shift the balance. IF you see your spouse doing the dishes, rather than sitting and watching TV, help her! Ladies, if your guy is doing the garbage and that’s “HIS JOB” help him anyways!

When I say “HELP” I don’t mean complain about doing it, or present as being unhappy… I mean find fun in the mundane. Maybe discuss how you first met or a really enjoyable time you have had together. WHY: When we find a connection in the mundane things we have to do in life, it not only fills our emotional cup, it makes the activity fun and less of a chore AND most importantly helps us to feel appreciated and interested in. 4. PHYSICAL CLOSENESS ( Not quite “PILLOW TALK” yet!) Some people love to touch… some people hate to touch. Most people enjoy touch when they have sore muscles or joints. If you know your lover is a touchy person, make the time to find appropriate opportunities to hold a hand, touch the shoulder or back, hand on leg… you receive the idea! You know what your partner likes. IF physical touch has not been in the ring for a while this may feel unnatural or “FAKE.” We need to be able to step out of our comfort zones in order to replace unhealthy patterns. The more you do it, the more genuine it will feel. IF you are with someone who doesn’t like touch (or it would be too hard to do right away) offer other ways to connect – one simple question: How can I help? That my friend’s is like word porn to most women. Other ways to implement physical closeness: massage, cuddles, hugs. BENEFIT: many people can feel physically disconnected. Before we jump into full on “Pillow Talk” some people need to be reminded of how good physical touch can feel and how much they really missed it. 5. ACTS OF KINDNESS Some people love gifts.

Gifts do not have to be material things. A gift could be something as simple as: “Hey, Hun, I’ll watch the kids so you can have a shower without someone bugging you.” ( ONE of the greatest gifts my husband gives me). Or it can be a love note, some chocolates, case of beer etc. You receive my drift. It doesn’t have to be something huge and gifts don’t only have to come on birthdays and special holidays. BENEFIT: feeling appreciated and loved. Many people say to me, “I don’t even think they think of me or care.” Well, here’s your proof – they do. PS: surprises make gifts extra special.

6. DO SOMETHING THAT INTERESTS BOTH OF YOU ( OR JUST PRETEND) My husband loves motorcycles. I can’t say that I am a super fan…BUT whenever there is a motorcycle trade show or place he wants to go, I always jump on board without complaint. Why? Because I am showing him that I care about what his interests are. What does this translate too? It really means: I care about you and your interests. 7. CONFIDENCE I definitely lost my game after I had my daughter. I didn’t feel good about how I looked and I always felt just exhausted. I stopped taking care of myself.

This became area of contention in my relationship. Life happens, we go through things, but that doesn’t mean that we just stop and settle. Improve your confidence! Wear that lipstick you used to love, get your hair done, groom yourself (guys this is for you too). BENEFIT: not only will you feel better about yourself, but your partner will notice that you’re putting more effort into yourself and really LOVING yourself. How sexy is that? 8) SET THE MOOD Now, you’ve tried the above ideas all week, things are starting to look a little brighter in your relationship. Before you rush into “getting it done…” set the mood. It doesn’t have to be flowers, candles, and chocolates. It can be: a very awesome day of connection with the family, it can be doing an activity together that you’ve enjoyed – whatever you believe would put you guys in a positive mood is what will work best. Try to avoid fights and arguments and be the bigger person! 9) CHANGE UP THE OLD “PILLOW TALK” ROUTINE – BE ADVENTUROUS So you’ve been together awhile. Sometimes things get a bit boring and routine.

Change it up! Make the “pillow talk” experience more exciting! Maybe some sexy lingerie? Maybe more foreplay? Maybe toys? Maybe a new location? Different positions? Whatever you choose! ( Just make sure your partner will be on board with the adventure). BENEFIT: when we try new things together, we feel more secure and safe in our relationship… not only are we getting our physical and emotional needs met but we are also exploring new experiences and sensations together.

The more SATISFYING our pillow talk is, the more we will want it! 10) JUMPING RIGHT INTO “PILLOW TALK” I caution this one especially if there have been unresolved emotional hurts. Remember, sometimes it takes us time to re-build trust and connection…BUT if you feel that’s what you need to do then just DO IT! Sometimes unleashing our physical desires can really facilitate all the things mentioned above… just depends on you and your partner. BENEFIT: all that sexual tension will be gone.


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